the dull and the not.

Assalammualaikum, hello. Long time no see, yo.
Last post was on April. Of course, things had been... fancy, back then.

And these days, sometimes it feels mundane. What am I here for? What's all the shit I'm doing? What am I actually doing, anyways? I wonder, really. Let's start with the dull things.

I totally, totally dislike it (since I don't do hate) when people ask me, "So you're not in university yet? Then what you've been doing? Sleeping? Anime? Watching Kamen Raider? Why the heck are you even watching Kamen Raider? Don't you have anything better to do? What are you doing at home?"

First of all, screw the people who has been assuming what I do at home. All you have to do is ask. If I answer, do not be weird-ed out. Yes, I watch anime, I watch Kamen Raider Gaim (because I like it, fuck you for saying "takde kerja ke tengok masked rider?" like really, fuck you for badmouthing my hobbies), and the like. But is that all? No. I subtitle some people's favourite shows. "But it's easy! You're just complaining! Bersyukur la ada kerja!".

I am truly grateful, trust me. But after doing this since March? You know, I think I'll pass.

Please understand that subtitling is hard. You'll be straining your eyes for like, 3 to 6 hours in front of your computer screen, messing up your shoulder bones for staying hunched too long, have to deal with the same things over and over again, getting annoyed when the subtitles sucked more than what you watch on TV, shit like that. I'm grateful, really. I'm doing this in the comfort of my home, and, if God wills it, will look good in my work resume in the future. But think again.

I am 18. And I... have just been dealing things one after another, almost everyday of my life now. I needed a break and deserve lots of hugs and love, don't you think? Haha, kidding. I do need hugs tho. After I'm done working, I'll be focusing on studies right after. I am such... a busy girl.

Ahh. Anyway. Just appreciate your education, okay? Study hard so you can provide for your family. As for me, I'm the one who has to work my arse off to pay for my own university. That does not make me stand any taller than anyone else in this world, I know. But you know. I just wanted people to appreciate what I've been doing and to tell me that this will all be worth it. And now I'm just a sad sushi roll complaining on the blog because I still have things to save up for. Welp.

Unfortunately, as opposed to your wishes, I do not sleep enough. I don't eat enough (I eat once a day in like four days in a week). My skin is not in a good condition. My body is hurting (my backbone issues, my other health issues), my head aches for 5 hours almost everyday, I haven't went out, I don't have a friend to talk my problems to, and I've been breaking apart and fading into uncertainty day by day. Sounds familiar? I'm on the verge of falling back into depression. I've been holding myself, keeping myself together, trying to not fall into that bottomless pit again, but it's so hard. It's so hard, because the simplest of things make me want to cry and yet the only trigger I have to shed tears were my anime, manga and stuff. I can no longer cry for sadness. It's no longer in my veins.

You know... this is all so useless.

Maybe I'm just lonely and have nobody to talk to. Maybe I just needed a place to vent. It's hard to reach out when... well, it's just hard.

I totally do not want to reach out to the people who cannot understand the barrier of between being friends and lovers. If you're not the one I love, don't expect to get the same treatment and love you did when I loved you. Do not expect anything. I already dislike you so much. I have forgiven you and move on so please, you move on too, okay?

I know there's a world out there that demands to be explored. I'm probably gonna meet new people. You know what. Better yet. I told my mom to marry me off to whoever she wants if I'm still not with an engagement ring at 25. And she said yes, and have suggestions in mind. Good. Exploring the unexpected human mind after marriage sounds funner than having explored your boyfriend's behaviours and can expect their every move, which is very boring.

I no longer have expectations for love, you know. I have wasted like... almost all of me for someone who can't even give me half of what I need.  My brother said that I needed a soft-spoken reliable guy in my life, who could watch me over since I'm different and a lot of things in one, but not a useless guy. And I really appreciate how sometimes my brother give me encouragements for love when he's dealing with lots of bizzare love-hunting, haha. But truth to be told, I don't think I care much. If the next person demands my love, I'll give them. Wasted again, get over it,rinse, repeat.

I like to think that I can give a lot of care and love for the person who's with me. So as temporary as it is, I'll give it what it deserves. If I can't see a future together with you from the start, I would say I have known that the relationship won't be too far either. But I wonder if any guy would like me, now that I'm all over the place and fat. It's... one thing after another I guess.

But oh well. That's all I guess. I'm just bored out of my mind and wanted to vent.

The not-so-dull life I'm having would be discovering my cat's weird behaviours everyday and loving him more than I have loved any living being I've found in this world. Ahh also catching up on Naruto Shippuden! Can I have Kakashi as a boyfriend please? Haha.

Anyway, I know this post is all over the place, but to answer the question;

What have Nadia been up to these days?

Subtitling, anime, learning languages, also drowning in her thoughts and pulling herself out right before she falls in too deep.

I hope you guys are having fun with lyfe. If not, please come at me and tell me what your problems are. I've been bored since I kicked myself out of my Whatsapp group, but I have surprises to tell and surprises will have to wait.

Also, let's hope for a positivity post next!

Until then, have a nice day and thanks for reading!

I know what he's reading but he's a cutie pie you can go now bye