It's been a while. I'm just typing this out on a whim, so... I'll just let the ideas flow as they are, haha.
It's been more than a month since I started working with... the company I'm working in, alhamdulillah. Everything's been fine, I guess.
Compared to my former workplace, I feel happier here. I feel like I could fit in, and that's a good thing. Still, I'm treated as a child. It's not a bad thing, and yet it's not as great either. People would mostly not talk to me because, basically, the experience that I have thus far was from school. If anything, I could only compare my small experiences as a school student compared to them who were degree holders and whatnot. I decided to not care, and decided not to try so hard to initiate conversations or making lots of friends. I'd rather keep the ones I have for now, and give the usual smile and giggles because it's fun being there. I'm also comfortable being silent and being in silence, so I guess it's fine for me.
The one thing I noticed from working here is, I've become more self-conscious than I thought. When I get home, I re-think of what I've done for the day and regret some things I've said or did. I felt embarrassed at a lot of things, I get insecure, but then again, it's all in my head. Yeap. I don't think the people I talked to in the office actually cared too much about what I said, as much as I did. So I let all of them slide and again, I regret nothing because yolo.
If anyone has noticed, it's time for me to grow up, so I put on a shawl. Wear some lipbalm. Wanting to try out some make-up (still failing to do so because I don't actually want to put anything on my face haha), and stuff like that. I did have someone I'd like to attract, but then again, I do these for myself. To gain my own self-confidence as a person, as a human-being, as Nadiatul Salwa.
I'm going on a laidback diet, if I can say so myself. I'm a moderate eater, but nobody trust me when I say that. I just mostly skip dinner nowadays. I'd say maybe I lack exercise. Even if my stomach flattens, there are some parts that just won't go down, and it still makes me look fat. Sometimes I'm worried, I cried, because I don't fit in most clothes. Now I do fit on some clothes (still not everything), I feel a bit confident. Alhamdulillah. I see it this way; if someone's gonna like me anyway, they'd like me no matter what size I am. But first, I'll have to love myself first before loving someone less whole-heartedly, don't you think?
Talk about love... Sometimes I feel lonely, but then again, I have my 2D anime guys to pay attention to. Regardless of how I feel, in the end, I'm not ready for any relationships for these... two, three years to come? So no, even if you try to get close to me, I'm just gonna shut myself off. If I get close to a guy at this point, it's just for play, you know? It's not like I wanna date anyone right now bruh pls.
Being 18 (or, close to being 18) has... bring new feelings to me. I guess this is another transition year where we wait for puberty to hit us like a truck, eh? Hahaha. I gain much, much more freedom to do the things I love, but being free like this makes you think twice about the things you wanna do. So no, I'm not exposed to bad things for now, alhamdulillah. Nauzubillah, minta jauh la benda benda pelik or tak elok. I also realize my responsibilities, and also some things I self-noted are, I'm actually friendlier in terms of socializing. I read somewhere that, you have to be familiar with socialzing with kids below 10, and adults above 30. Because then, you'll know how good you are at talking with people. I've always been cooped up on socializing with same-age groups, but that'll have to change.
Also, ahh, well. I'm happy now, but I'm also exhausted. I don't feel drained out, not yet, though. The moment I get home, I will basically go straight to sleep. The fatigue is... outrageous. I can't get things done at home, and I feel bad for not helping cleaning around the house on weekdays. On weekends, I'm busy with things as well for the past month. I finally was able to take a breather today, but I still have a few weekends movies to be finished (this is my line of work, ok). I did watched a few eps of anime to cheer myself up, haha.
May our days after this are blessed with strength, smiles and love. Stay strong, everyone. Let's do our best no matter what, alright? And Allah will help out with the rest, insyaAllah. Good luck with everything and thank you for reading!
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