Deciding The Future

Hello, hello. Assalammualaikum.

I know it's been a while. I feel like I look fine on the outside, when actually I'm in a little war with my own self.

I'm not even sure how to explain this... uhh, well. I just don't know. I really don't know. I desperately want to talk about this with a friend or two but I guess everyone's busy? I can't bother them with my problems. So this is the only place where I trust myself to talk about it.

Actually, I'm a bit in a dilemma regarding my future plans. To study, of course. A huge part of me actually wants to decide everything after SPM results are out, you see. I'm scared of my results. I'm just, well, I know I did my best -- at least I thought so, but what if things don't go as well as I planned? Allahuakhbar. I'm scared.

Before SPM, I've kinda decided that I'm taking TESL foundation @ UITM, but after reading some blogs and seeing this and that on Twitter, I'm kinda feeling scared. It's a short-cut for a degree, yes, but the syllabus scares me gahh I don't know. I saw a tweet of a TESL foundation student and she actually had to do the physics wave phonetics thing for class representation! Oh my god.

Also, they have a drama thing by the last semester. You know what? That's just the end of me. Really. Ahhh I don't like to act and I'm just really really scared of having to do that in front of people. I'm like an extreme introvert now and I'm not shy to meet people, I'm just scared. It can't be helped. All of the presentations at school was only done because I've gotten use to the whole class and teachers... but ahh I don't know.

I've considered private universities as well and there's this one private uni that actually offers English for Professional Communications as a diploma instead of a degree. I was hella excited when I got to know it and I told my mom about it (with my heart thumping loudly in my chest gah) but she was like "No, diploma isn't that recognized." Excuse me but... mom... what?

At least a diploma would give you a job almost asap? While foundation.... I have to go for one whole
year then still have to continue my studies after without rest...?

Allahu. I'm scared just by thinking about it.

I'm not a fan of teaching, and it's not my forte, so going for TESL is a bit... of a burden for me Astaghfirullah. I know, I know. I know that I haven't even started yet I'm already disliking it so much, but I just don't know anymore. Seriously.

I think I've been pleasing people a bit too much yet nobody has asked me what I really want.

My real planning is like this; Get a diploma in English for Prof Comm. (EPC) at where it's offered (the one and only), and then get a job at a publishing company as a translator, while scheduling some dates for TOPIK and JLPT. What are those two, you ask? Those are language exams, and they have their own respective levels.

TOPIK is for Korean and JLPT is for Japanese. I'm self-studying so I think I can succeed by  studying by myself. InsyaAllah. So when I get a certificate of these exams, I can totally work at companies that doesn't mind me having a diploma. (I've looked up to it, and yes, there are companies that offer translating jobs for diploma holders). So then maybe I can live my life like how I want it to be...? Also maybe when I have the money, I can then pursue a degree in Translation and Interpretation at USM.

Just for the record, I prefer being a translator, in which I only translate what's in written text, while an interpreter translates spoken language and that's.... scary. Ahahaha ;;;;

But anyway, that's what I'm planning. Kita merancang, Allah yang menentukan.

Another back-up plan I have is to take Foundation in Arts in some college with a scholarship, and then take a degree in EPC there. Otherwise, Asasi TESL then translation degree in USM.

Sometimes I feel useless. Besides languages, I'm not even good at anything else. I'm not good at teaching, at taking care of people (because I can barely take care of myself), not good at maths, not even cooking, pastries, bahh. I don't know anymore. The other thing I'm good at is managing things and also, sometimes, look into people's personality to understand them better. But even those are not some useful life skills. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like an awful human being, astaghfirullah.

I want people to give me encouragements and love as well, unfortunately I am the one who closed my heart from being with others. Like, I don't allow people to come into my private space.  Haha. And then I say I'm lonely when I'm the one who push people away. sighs nadi nadi

Astaghfirullah. May everything goes well for me from now on. All the best, Nadiatul Salwa. May the odds be ever in your favor and never give up, okay? You can do this!

Thank you very much for reading, see ya guys in the next post (in which I don't even know when). Good luck in everything, byeom~