"But strong girl, you know you were born to fly".

Hello, assalammualaikum.

If I could have any super power, I would wish to have a pair of beautiful wings to fly. I'd like to fly away, go to a secluded place and think about my life. Re-think, think, repeat. I'm a ball of confusions, I know. Don't ask and don't tell me that haha.

I'm sorry but I almost forgot about this blog. Until recently someone reminded me about it. And then I thought, well, since I have nobody to tell things to without being judged at, I should just let it out here. Let me be judged and welp, if I were to take all the blame and everything, then yes, why the hell not.

It's not like I don't trust my bestfriends, I do. And that's the problem; when I trust them too much, it feels different when you actually know that deep down, they're judging your actions. I know I'm not a perfect person but I can totally, totally understand someone for his/her actions. I know why they did this or that, why there are evil people, why there are good people, why there are people who are unfair and why are there people who are too nice? Try putting yourself in their shoes and understand their situation. And then you'll see the pain they go through.

The problem with being Nadiatul Salwa is, I take things for granted. I wasted the love people gave me, I miss my chances, I betrayed people's trust, I made my own conclusions, I move on too quick, I let go easily, I forget memories only to remember them when it's too late, and pretty much a failure for a human being.

I don't deserve to be loved.

I mean, the fault is in me, myself. I have nobody to blame and the reason why I felt this way is because of how I've experienced and thought about it. I've thought about all the people I used to love and did to them. So I decided to let go for real.

I let go of the people I love most.

I mean, yes, nak SPM and here I'm talking about love but well, benda nak jadi masa sekarang. Allahu. You don't know much tears I cried. The things people are willing to do for me, all for the sake of this humble being named Nadiatul Salwa; haih, I'm sorry. All of your love are wasted.

I can't be chained, you see. I let go too easily anyway. So I cut off any connections; I said, "Let's just be friends". So yes, friends we are. I think that'll last for a while considering that, I'll have to focus on SPM. I'm gonna take my mind off from guys right now.

You wouldn't know how much you'll miss a person unless that person walk away from you, right?

So I'm gonna be the one who's gonna walk away to re-evaluate myself, my feelings. Who am I supposed to love? Who do I actually love? And who do I miss? Even if I find the answers later, I know it'll all be too late. But I'd still like to try finding those answers, because if I don't, I won't be able to sleep at night without having tears filling up my eyes and wetting my cheeks.

I'm sorry for all the things I did to you and for all the time you wasted on waiting for me. I don't deserve any of that; and I've told you. Don't wait for me; and in the end, I hurt you by betraying your trust. And when I remember that kind of thing, I felt like I have failed as a human being. I have failed to love.

So. With a deep breath, I'll let go. I'll let go of these feelings and see which feelings are going to come back to me. If I still cry for you, wanting you to come back to me, then let's just keep those tears in. Kira seri lah kan, I mean, you've cried tears for me so it's my turn to do the same. Baru adil and I don't want you to feel all those pain by yourself.

I don't understand these feelings of mine.

Why do I love and be loved, only to let go in the end? Why can't I let my heart stay as it is?
What more am I asking from a guy so nice, so faithful and so fragile?
I'm sorry for charming people, making people love me only to break your hearts in the end.

I felt like a loser. A total loser in love.

Allahu.

Maybe now is not the time. Allah tak bagi aku mengasihi seseorang itu sepenuh hati sekarang. I still have to fix myself, love Allah more, love my religion more, reduce my 'too' free way of life and stuff. Maybe then, I'll have the right to love anyone. Or maybe no one, after all.

Who the hell knows.

I guess that's all? I don't know what else to say. Speechless Nadi is speechless.

I wish people won't just crash into my life and make me miss them now and then like this, you know. I've never dreamed that this kind of thing will happen to me above all people.

If I had wings, I'd fly away. But then again that'll mean running from my problems. I've learnt that we shouldn't walk away from our problems so easily, so I faced them, confronted them and settled them. In the end, hearts are broken and tears are spilled.

I'm so sorry.

"But strong girl, you know you were born to fly".

InsyaAllah. I'll fly so high and take along this other half of a heart that I'm not sure of.

Allahu.

Anyway, good luck SPM, Nadiatul Salwa! Do your best, don't be stressed and just do it! You've been waiting for yearssss and finally, wow esok SPM hahaha.

Stay strong Nadiatul Salwa!

Byeom. Have a great week ahead!!! <3