I'm telling you, this post is gonna be a longgg about me ranting, self-praising, probably being a bitch, getting mad at a lot of things, and finally get to show some emotions in life. Read on if you like.
Yesterday I got my results. Alhamdulillah, I got 6A's. Bangga over something so small? Yeah I am. I wish people would stop saying "Alaa takpe, you did your best.". Thank you but pls, 6A tu pun aku happy gila rasa nak berguling weh. Why wouldn't I be happy?! Sebab mati mati aku ingat aku dapat lesser than that. Aku tak target straight A's pun. I know it's a small achievement and you'll be like "Welcome to the scary upper form where a lot of A's don't exist." Macam tu cara nak cakap dengan junior ke? Right.... But what hurts the most is how I feel unappreciated.
Like, okay, so aku dapat enam instead of tujuh or lapan. Enam je kan? But people should at least congratulate me too?? Biar aku jujur la, dari aku simpan sendiri pastu rasa emo tak tentu pasal. Aku jealous gila orang puji kawan aku. Aku tak jealous/marah dekat dia directly, but it's about the people around us. At least wish la aku jugak. Batak? That's not a nice term. If you know what I feel you wouldn't think badly of me. Aku dah la tak sangka yang aku dapat A sejarah. Mati-mati aku ingat sejarah B sebab masa PMR dulu aku paling blank masa sejarah. Alhamdulillah. But still, at least something like "wow nadia dapat nam ayy congrats <333" hm rasanya takde orang cakap cemtu???
And for a lot of reasons I am SO. DEPRESSED. TODAY. AND EVERYDAY. I wish I could stop overthink. I wish. I MOTHER FREAKING WISH I KNOW WHAT WORRIES ME SO MUCH. I just don't know!!! I am not the type to worry about what people think. I barely show emotions. I don't give a flying fuck over a lot of things, but these school holidays made me depressed sfm.
So today I decided to log out all of my twitter accounts, but then I saw my friend tweeting to this one famous youtuber. So I went to that youtuber's blog. And something caught my interest. She's pretty but above all she looks happy with her life. I went to her post entitled 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'. Here. It's a very, very long post so if you have a decent connection, watch the video instead. And I'm telling you, what she typed in that post made me realize how dumb I am for being too stressed over things that I can't change. I have to learn to let go.
"We need to stop spending too much of our time in the past and future. Don’t ruin today by worrying about tomorrow, which neither of us can do anything about. Remember, you will never get NOW again. Learn from the past and prepare for the future but LIVE in the present."That quote in her blog post, ladies and gentleman, was like a homerun hit in my heart. Why worry when you can be happy over the things you have? WHY? So yeah, I worry about what stream should I take although my dream is to be a jurubahasa, what would happen to me next year, is there any way to marry the guy I want, but HEYY. Aku fikir balik. Bila masa Nadiatul Salwa ambik pusing semua benda ni? Bila? So there's no use in worrying. I'm studying Korean now and I think I still have a long way to go. I skipped three lessons already because I made this one Faery fanfic for my gheis, I know they love it, but there's something bugging me? Like I don't think they like it enough, diorang nak tukar jalan cerita. Maaf la, pls la, weh, aku punya cerita jangan kacau boleh.... Aku banyak gila benda kena fikir.
And ntah macam mana, I ended up reading some few more posts. And guess what, I almost cried. Aku boleh rasa bertapa bertuahnya author blog tu. Hidup dia best gila. Husband dia sayang dia. Like, she's having so much fun, living her life everyday. She could be my new inspiration, honestly. Tak jadi popular macam dia pun takpe, aku taknak pun. But now, aku kena belajar bersyukur dengan apa yang ada. Itu lebih penting.
I'm telling you. I shouldn't, but I want to. My family lives in a worried state. Every fucking day. Money, family, mostly money, and a lot of other things. Sehari memang tak sah kalau tak dengar orang merungut dalam rumah ni. And it bothers me. A lot. Kekadang bosan jugak. Setiap hari aku kena dengar orang cakap benda sama. But whatever it is, they're still my family. Suka tak suka ini lah tempat aku bergantung. Kalau takde abang-abang aku, dengan siapa la aku nak berkongsi cerita. Kalau takde mama, takde la aku belajar apa apa dalam hidup ni. Kan. Think positive. Nadia, you can do it.
Lagi satu. What the fuck is wrong with you people keep calling me fat? I'm already short and wouldn't it be nice if you shut up about how I look? I have these chubby cheeks and you don't. Bish, I truly love myself but if you guys would stop saying me fat then I wouldn't have to think much about this. Panggil aku chubby ke aku terima la lagi. Mostly adults. Tak reti jaga perasaan orang muda macam aku ni ke? Haihhh. I wish I could block these people from my life for eternity la aiyoo.
I have my life goals. It's not against anything. One of it is to be an inspiration for people. Maybe not now, yes bukan sekarang. But soon. Soon, those depressed kids will think that they have another people to look up to. It's not the end of the life yet, insyaAllah. Thank you for my friends, my ghei friends, for always being there for me. Fahami lah, kekadang aku tak rasa nak share apa apa. I just don't feel like talking it. But I'll talk when I want to.. Please, just love me as much as you do now gheis. I love you. Aku boleh belajar terima perangai korang seadanya, so tolong la terima perangai aku jugak <3
Lastly, terima kasih Allah. Thank you for everything. Alhamdulillah. Ya Allah. Terima kasih atas segalanya. Friends, jangan lupa bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. Selalu.
Sorry if this post offended you in any way, jangan la kecik hati. Aku cuma meluahkan perasaan. Sorry la kalau rasa aku macam kasar sikit, tapi sebenarnya kalau kau kenal aku, kau mesti tak kisah macam mana aku cakap ni kan ;;;;;
That is all. Thank you everyone. Mintak maaf sesangat for everything. And have a nice day :)
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