Hello, Assalammualaikum.
It's been a veeery long while, I tell you. I think it's been more or less a year since the last post? Anyway, this PKP got me all workaholic again so here I am. I use the term 'PKP' instead of RMO because it's easier that way.
Anyway, how are you guys? I wonder who even reads my blog... If any of you here, are you surprised that I'm updating now? Haha. Thank you for being here. Honestly I always have ideas on what to write about, on what to post... But well, life gets in the way and sometimes you're just exhausted. Even so, I'm hoping to update regularly now but we'll see. I have a lot of positivity posts lined up so I really hope I have the strength to type them all out, haha.
But first, I'll update about myself because that's what this post is supposed to be about.
Before PKP, I've actually had stayed at home since early February, because my job contract has ended. The job was great and I was doing so good at first, but it got mentally exhausting at some point. I don't blame the job - I guess it's just my incapability to stay stronger for something if it lasts more than 3 months. I know, I sound like a spoiled child, but I'm well aware of my limits. I have chided and criticized myself enough for it. So after I stopped working, I really worked on my mental health and finally I am here to say that I'm doing alright, although some days are hard to get by.
I started working after about two months of finishing my diploma studies, so while I was working, I had my graduation ceremony, my MUET tests, and a lot of outings with the ghei baes. I am so very grateful that I have been blessed with these three people I'm closest with, really. They allow me space for me to be myself, follow my odd whims and also there to be idiots together with me, haha. Of course, I have my roommates, closest friends, my school seniors and people I've met online that never fail to give me the encouragement and love I need. I love them and I pray that all these content, strength and happiness they give me will be given back to them even more so. I'm also grateful to have an understanding family... I guess more than that, given the freedom to choose my own path feels a little liberating, which makes it a blessing and a little scary, haha.
My many months of working weren't easy, but I made it through, alhamdulilah. I'm probably going to search for a new job once this PKP ends, and while I'm at it, I have to attend driving classes too. Well, here's to Nadia being a full-fledged adult, haha. I think I've always been doing adult-like things like managing myself at official occasions, going alone for whatever... But you never stop adulting, huh. These are all precious experiences of course, and I'll take them all as I go (despite the anxiety...).
When PKP started, I didn't feel anything because I've always stayed at home, right? But eventually it began to eat me up inside; drowning me in my own chaos. Some days are still hard - I would wake up and feel like crap and cry and be sad for no reason, but some days are okay, like now. Some days I feel really content. I'm so used to managing my emotions myself that I don't tell people what I'm feeling most of the time, which made me feel a little lonely though. But I don't blame anyone; I'm the one who've chosen to not say anything. I do know how to ask for encouragement and love when I need it though, so don't worry too much (haha) because I'm used to this. It's how I function.
I used to be scared of being alone, but who doesn't? Humans are social animals and we're made to live in a community. I don't believe we can survive alone either. But now I'm easing into enjoying my time alone (again) which made me really happy. I'm saying this because back then, any thought of being alone makes me feel abandoned, even though I am an introvert. There was a semester when I didn't have roommates at all and I cried almost every night. But you know, in the end, Allah SWT is there and He is the Best Listener, and He knows whatever it is in our hearts before we even say it.
I've been enjoying my time alone a lot lately, and it made me feel content. I told myself; "Yeah, this is the Nadia I've always wanted to be". There's a whole story behind this but I'm not going to talk about it here. So I'm really happy to be able to enjoy having fun alone... Okay, that's enough talking about that.
During this PKP, I feel even more productive than before. I guess when I have my friends studying from home, working from home and such, it motivates me too. I understand that we're all pushing ourselves and it feels like we have to always be on our feet to finish something, but remember that you deserve to take a break. You can just go to sleep. It's Ramadhan, and you're allowed to take it easy, you know? I know I sound ignorant because I don't experience what you experience, but I hope you don't push yourselves too much, yeah? These are suffocating times and you deserve to take it slow. It's okay to take it easy and go at it one step at a time.
I mean, there are some days where I just play games all day and feel like crap, so :)))
I've been getting back to studying Japanese and Korean lately. You know, I never really announced it to the whole world that I'm self-studying these languages (except for when I applied for Skolafund before), because I wasn't confident enough, and sometimes I got embarrassed (in class even) when I had nothing to prove. But I'm pretty confident with my capability now. I know, it's cringey, but I'm a fan of East Asian languages so... You know. People can say anything about the reasons why I learn these languages, but I'd like to think that I'm working hard for something that concerns my future. I spent money on textbooks and also hours of studying... I started back in 2013, on and off studying... Yeah, it's been a long journey so I think I deserve to talk about this. But anyway, I'll work hard everyday to be able to be fluent some day, no matter what degree programme I pursue... I'm probably going to go mad balancing everything like I did back in diploma but we'll see about that, haha.
There was a lot of things that I've worked on mentally too for these many months, and I'm grateful for the time I've had for it. I'm still working on getting closures and tying up these knots, with my thoughts never leaving me, but I guess that's what we all do everyday, yeah? That's how life is, haha.
I pray that everyone gets the strength to go through what they're going through, and may you have a blessed Ramadhan, albeit a lot different than what we were expecting. Allah SWT knows what you're feeling and He knows that you're working hard, even if nobody knows, okay? So hang in there and believe in Him. And I believe in you.
Thank you all for reading and see you in the next post, where I'm hoping that it'll actually be useful, haha. Byeom!
